Journal

journey to RIDE III: Fear, Motivation and Self-Doubt

IMG_4316-editIt was only the first lesson I had on the plank and through the slalom. I fell twice and knocked down the cones five or six times that night alone .

The instructors were very encouraging, despite all the mistakes that I’ve made, still found good things to say about my riding, “Unlike the rest, you can meet all the timing requirements…”.

They also shared success stories of those who did not do as well, like that aunty who passed on her first Traffic Police test attempt but took 132 lessons to complete the entire course.

My biker friends were all very kind to me, sending me messages of concern and videos for inspiration, despite my overly frequent rants on being upset that I couldn’t do well for my lessons.

Yet, my motivation continues to dwindle. Contributing to that was probably a realisation that I’m not going to feel confident to ride on the roads even with a license, even though I have wonderful dreams of riding on my very own bike when I sleep. I’m already in action on getting my car replaced, somehow. The cost of owning a car in Singapore is notorious but as to why I would still want a private transport, I guess that is a story for another day.

The other side of the coin is fear. Even though I manage to clock at least 12 laps through the plank and slalom that night, the more I go through it, the less confident I felt and the more tense I became.

I’m in half the mind to give up. But I’m also reluctant to accept the fact that I’m just not a natural and I probably one of those who needs a lot more training compare to many other people. Calling it quits also means that I accept that I can’t do it and probably can’t improve much.

As an educator who encourage students to persist, not walking the talk would be a terrible sin. Yet, if I continue like this, giving it up will become the only logical thing to do although when is also another question to answer.

What should I do?

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